Squirrels: The 11th Plague

I'm going to come right out and say it - I hate squirrels. Hate em. Hate em they stink. Hands down the most despicable creatures that roam this planet. They are dumb, dirty, tree-rats that serve no purpose other than to drive me slowly insane. Now I'm not one of those people that actively tries to run them over (mostly because I don't want miniature brains and guts on my car) but I don't lose any sleep if I do. If you are someone who thinks squirrels are cute and cuddly, you are wrong. If you like squirrels, I don't like you. Plain and simple. Here are a few reasons these furry devils are a plague on humanity.

1.  Their eyes- Those black, beady, soulless demon orbs stuck to the side of their heads haunt me. I just got a chill writing that sentence. Eyes so black that they feed on light and strike fear into even the most hardened badasses. You've probably all heard of giving someone the stink-eye, but I contend that if you REALLY hate someone, you give them the squirrel-eye.

2.  Not only are they soulless, they are heartless. They raise their young to be kamikaze bombers. Little squirrel children darting into traffic and wreaking havoc, sacrificing their little furry bodies and causing a 4-car pile-up in the process. They are the terrorists of the rodent world. No doubt the greatest body-size to damage-inflicted ratio of any animal on the planet.

3.  They are little heart-attack machines. Here I am, taking my dog for a leisurely walk in the woods, enjoying the fall foliage, when all of a sudden there's an explosion of leaves and sticks to my right. I turn, expecting to be mauled by an 800 pound grizzly, and instead see nothing. Turns out it was just two squirrels chasing each other. Meanwhile, a family of deer has walked right behind me undetected. How is it possible for two tiny animals to make more noise than an entire family of deer? More noise than a drunk bull in an antique china shop?

4.  Some of them are gingers - Second class citizens even in the animal kingdom.

5.  They don't poop. Seriously, have you ever seen a squirrel pooping? Have you ever found any squirrel poop on the ground? For the amount of these things running around, I feel like we should be tits-deep in squirrel shit. I don't trust anything that doesn't poop.

6.  They have babies in my attic that die and I have to pick up because they give my mom "the creeps" and then I bury them in the woods so my dog won’t eat them. True story.

7.  They fiendishly hoard acorns and, as a result, deprive us of future oak trees and glorious shade in the summer. But really, why acorns? And why so many? Based on my calculations, squirrels spend 93% of their lives scurrying about full-throttle collecting acorns. It's as if they were addicted to the things. Isn't there a better, more tasty nut, that they could gather? All the signs point to one thing: frantic, obsessive hoarding - irregular, spastic behavior - grinding, gnawing teeth - squirrels are little bushy-tailed meth heads. The facts don't lie.

8.  They hide in trash cans. I get that animals eat trash - they are dumb and trash is delicious - but what I can't stand is that squirrels will do it in absolute silence until I walk by. Once I'm within a few feet of the trash can, or perhaps about to throw something away, they clatter around and come flying out causing me to look like a nancy-boy by A) screaming B) jumping C) defecating D) some combination of the three.

9.  They have teeth that NEVER STOP GROWING. This is true. This is science. Squirrels, like most rodents, have front teeth that continue growing their entire life if left unchecked. Their teeth can grow so long that they can no longer close their mouths or eat and they die. To avoid this fate, squirrels most constantly chew and gnaw things to file down their devil fangs. Rather than choosing things like trees, rocks, or any other hard surface found in nature, they typically choose Christmas lights, grill cords, patio furniture, your passed out drunk buddy, or any other thing you would prefer not be chewed to oblivion.

10.  Maybe I'm irrational, maybe I've seen too many cartoons, but every time one comes within 5 feet of me I can't help but get the feeling the squirrel is planning on running up my pants leg and doing laps around the inside of my clothing - pausing only to take a bite of an artery or my frank and beans.

11.  They don't have the dignity to die in private. They get exploded in the road and then just lay there baking in the sun looking like a balloon stuffed with beef jerky and pubes. Seriously squirrels, why can't you just accept your fate and go find a nice pile of leaves to die in somewhere deep in the forest so I don't have to flatten your already pancaked corpse into the asphalt.