P.O.R.N.

Personal Oasis of Retina Nectar

What has ten legs, seven pounds of silicon, one great mustache, and daddy issues? Any good porn movie of course! Porn has been around since the dawn of man – have you seen some of the racks on cave paintings? The modern era of porn can be traced back to the 70’s with swinging mustache rides and free-lovin’ bush bashes. These days, things have gotten bigger, balder, and more bizarre. You've got Brazilian fart porn, Japanese tentacle porn, Amish midget amputee porn, and that's barely even scratching the surface. Despite its taboo connotation, I'd like to contend that porn doesn't have to be three dudes and a chick in a sweaty flesh pile. Porn is the celebration of lust. And, while almost everyone lusts after sex, people lust after all sorts of things. Here are a few examples of porn that I personally enjoy.

Food Porn:

Whether its Chopped, Iron Chef, or just watching Giada deglaze a pan, I almost always end up with Crème Frisch in my pants. There is something about food that is so carnal. Simply seeing it prepared on a screen awakens your sense of smell and taste. You begin to visualize yourself preparing and, more importantly, eating it. The food network is the Mecca of food porn offering programs that cater to all sorts of food fetishes. You have Rachel Ray - a girl-next-door classy host who gets you excited to make your own pesto without feeling too guilty.  How about Mario Battalie or Barefoot Contessa? Chances are if you’re into food porn you might also be interested in plus-size partners. These two will help you embrace your natural beauty by showing you how to make and then eat lasagna off your lover’s belly. And - if you are a shameless, filthy pervert - there is Paula Deane with her culinary gang-bang of butter, fried chicken, and diabetes-inducing devils food cake. 

Nature Porn:

As an owner of the entire box set of Planet Earth and Blue Planet, it’s safe to say I am an avid consumer of nature porn. Why risk malaria and tiger-mauling when you can experience the jungles of Nepal from the comfort of your couch? There is a primal excitement that comes from watching people braver than me risking their lives to film elephants in rut, hammerhead feeding frenzies, and ghost orchids blooming – well perhaps I'm brave enough for the latter but definitely too lazy. Nature porn takes you on an ocular safari to the most remote and beautiful places on the planet. And, as if watching a lion attack an alligator attacking a wildebeest wasn't enough, you get the play-by-play delivered by the soothingly sophisticated voice of David Attenborough (or Sigourney Weaver if you're a savage).   

Ski Porn:

Powdery lines, face-shots, deep crevices – wait, you say, I thought you were talking about OTHER kinds of porn. Let me introduce my favorite lusty pursuit; ski porn. Living in Park City Utah for four years left me with a crippling addiction to that rush that can only come from steep lines and deep turns. The only way to satiate my desire during the off-season is with ski porn. Teton Gravity Research, Matchstick, and PowderWhore are like my Vivid, Playboy, and Hustler. Not only does ski porn highlight some of the best riders in the world doing impossibly difficult stunts in stunningly beautiful places. It does it all to a dope soundtrack. Ever watched a guy back flip an 80 foot cliff in Alaska? Ever watched a guy back flip an 80 foot cliff in Alaska while listening to Depeche Mode? Although, I think you could play any music to slow motion deep powder turns and it would look cool. Seriously, I'm 99% sure I've seen a ski porn with Phil Collins "In the Air Tonight." The true allure of ski porn is simple. Just like those "other" porn movies, it's mostly stuff that I A) want so badly to do B) want to do but am terrified of and C) have never seen or even thought of doing before.

Everybody watches porn, even if they don't know it. Porn is anything that is consumed for pure pleasure. Have you ever eaten an entire sleeve of Oreos? That's porn! Did you watch the whole season of Arrested Development in one sitting? That's porn! How about booze? Do you like it? Do you sometimes like it so much you forget how to stand up? That, my friends, is porn.  So don't let anyone tell you porn is a dirty word. It is a celebration of overindulgence. It is  your own personal oasis of retina nectar. What kind of PORN do you enjoy?