Wednesday Word of the Week

Yule (yool)
noun

Christmas, the Christmas season, or Christmas festivities

"All petty differences were set aside when the entire village joined once a year in midwinter for the yule feast."

Alternate Definition 
noun

One who is used to carry small items or cargo for a short trek or outing; usually a significant other

"Casey knew to wear his jacket with lots of pockets when he and his wife went out as he would undoubtedly be the yule, carrying her cell phone, wallet, keys, and backup candy supply."

Movember Madness

Another Movember has come and gone. The time when upper lips get fuzzy, girlfriends and wives get disgusted, and pedophiles and washed up 70's porn stars can finally blend into the masses.  For one glorious month men are allowed, neigh encouraged, to grow a mustache in the name of charity. It is a brilliant way to raise money for often overlooked causes like prostate and testicular cancer while simultaneously giving men an excuse to grow some sweet face lace.  Aside from Tom Selleck, Groucho Marx, and Yosemite Sam, most men can't pull off a mustache and are often mocked by their peers and members of the opposite sex. In Movember all bets are off.

"What's with that mouth brow on your lip?"
"Oh, this? I'm growing this to raise awareness for prostate cancer. You don't support cancer research bro?"

Boom roasted. It's flawless. No one can make fun of your cookie duster no matter how scraggly, lopsided or ginger it may be. This got me thinking; why not do this every month? There are plenty of other worthy causes that fly under the radar. Here are my ideas on how to raise awareness the other eleven months of the year:


Dephelgmber 

As pleasant as it is to hear people hack up a lung trying to dislodge some deep nose-sludge, it's even better to watch that person deposit a snot-rocket on the sidewalk, street, or nearby wall. Snot is gross, I get it. You want it out of your face ASAP. But where do you think all that nasal waste goes? 78% of loogies end up on the bottom of shoes, tracked into kitchens and eventually into clam chowder. That's science. If you want to ever enjoy clam chowder again, I propose everyone carries a cup with them and, rather than spitting on the ground, collect their loogers. The amount of lung butter you collect in one week should be enough to deter you from ever dropping a public loogie again.


Bananuary

If you've ever had a crippling, fall-on-the-floor cramp, you know that potassium deficiency is a real problem. Everyone should eat a banana every day during January to raise awareness for those of us who are subjected to those excruciating muscle spasms. If you want to go above and beyond, rent a banana suit. If you're a slack-ass, banana runts will suffice.






RBFebruary

RBF aka Resting Bitch Face. Despite what internet memes would lead you to believe, this is a serious issue for thousands of "actually really friendly" girls across the country. No matter how cool and nice these people are, their just-smelled-a-fart expression deters potential new friends or boyfriends from approaching them. I propose everyone wears the meanest, ugliest scowl they can muster for the entire month of February to raise awareness for this plight (fortunately its the shortest month cause it will no doubt be terrifying).


Munch
The holidays are over, the winter chill is thawing and that means it's time to start getting in bathing suit shape. It's diet season. The nemesis of any diet is snacks. Those delicious distractions in between meals of kale salads or wheat grass smoothies that derail every diet. I propose that, rather than trying to eliminate snacks, we eat ONLY snacks during this month. No breakfast, lunch and dinner, just mini-meals throughout the day. This might not be conducive to many diets but hey, pot roast is so much more satisfying at 2:30 in the afternoon.


Olaypril 
Dry skin, dandruff, eczema, call it you want but it sucks big time. Constantly itching, feeling like your skin is crawling not to mention raining skin-snow on everyone and everything around you. Forget wearing black. Get used to budgeting for Costco-sized barrels of lotion every month (I know you know what I'm talking about Park City peeps). How about for the entire month of April everyone sleep with a bottle of Oil of Olay by your bed and lube up every day when you wake up and before you go to bed. See how annoyed (and greasy) you get and then come tell me dry skin isn't an important issue.



Spay
Shout out Bob Barker. Get your damn pets spayed and neutered.


Prune
There are few things in life more satisfying than a nice solid poo. My heart breaks for those sufferers of chronic constipation. No one should be denied the pleasure of healthy, regular poops. I propose that during the month of June everyone drink a minimum of 5 glasses of prune juice a day to raise awareness for constipation. Only when you can't stop pooping, will you realize how lucky you are.


Moo-ly

Humans are the only mammals that drink another species milk. Most of us have evolved to be able to stomach this abomination of nature but it's no surprise that many people can't handle the boob juice of other animals. To bring awareness to this bizarre human practice and why lactose intolerant people are actually normal, I propose everyone go milk a cow or goat (or cat in a pinch) to see just where that milk is coming from.



Blogust
It seems that everyone has a self-indulgent blog these days (guilty). Turns out if you are competent enough to go to blogger, squarespace or tumblr and sign up for a free blog your opinion really, REALLY matters. To bring all those self-righteous bloggers back down to earth, I think everyone should blog out loud - give long rambling editorials on anything and everything that pops into your head.


Swiftember

Everybody hates Taylor Swift. It's easy. You can almost always find common ground with a stranger by shitting on people like Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, and especially Taylor Swift. The problem is the latter has undeniable talent and when you're alone in the car and Shake It Off comes on you turn it up to 11 and belt out all the lyrics. This month everyone can "pretend" to like Taylor Swift and have an epic month long dance party.


Babytalktober
You've all heard it, you've probably all done it. Baby talk. That sickeningly sappy tone of voice we take when talking to small infants, pets, or super drunk friend. I'm not sure what compels us to blurt out inarticulate, repetitive phrases in sorority-girl-high-pitched voices. Nobody actually wants their kid to grow up talking like that, so why waste your time doing it at all? Everyone needs to spend the month of October talking ONLY in baby-talk. If you manage to not  murder everyone around you, you will undoubtedly not be using baby-talk in the near future.

Wednesday Word of the Week

Clowder (klou-der)
noun

A group or cluster of cats

"The villagers were afraid to go outside after sundown because of a rowdy clowder that roamed the streets at night."

Alternate Definition
noun

A thick soup or stew made of colorful painted circus performers 

"After watching American Horror Story 'Freak Show' and Deadliest Catch before bed, Casey had a terrifyingly bizarre dream involving a two-headed fisherman eating a bowl of clowder."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Wedgie (wej-ee)
noun

The condition of having one's underpants or other clothing uncomfortably stuck between the buttocks.

"The thong is a devious invention of man forcing women who wish to look good in tight pants to suffer a permanent wedgie."

Alternate Definition
noun

A condition of an extreme fluctuation of emotions ranging from nervous, happy, and terrified brought on by an impending nuptial ceremony. 

"With 10 days until the wedding, Casey had a serious case of the wedgies that affected his ability to eat, sleep, and focus at work."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Curmudgeon (ker-muhj-uh-n)
noun

A bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous person.

"After scolding the children for playing too loudly, Edgar realized he'd become the old curmudgeon he'd despised as a youth."

Alternate definition:
noun

A cupcake, muffin or other pastry that has been smashed or mushed out of anger or spite.

"Derek stormed out of the office breakfast meeting, slamming his fist on the buffet spread on his way out leaving behind a nearly-full box of curmudgeons."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Tunable (too-nuh-buhl)
adjective

Capable of being tuned.

"The scientist praised the new laser for being infinitely more tunable than previous models."

Alternate definition
adjective

Salvaged or made better with the addition of any of a large family of marine, spiny-finned fish.

"Despite having only cornflakes, mayonnaise, and a single pickle in his kitchen, Graham knew one can of 'BumbleBee' would make his meal tunable."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Irony (ahy-ruh-nee)
noun

The use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning.

"Irony is when someone writes 'your an idiot.'"

Alternate definition
noun

A condition in which Rice-A-Roni is overcooked to a high density; hardened, burnt, and generally inedible

"Quinn's attempt at making an easy meal turned to irony and was far from a San Francisco treat."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Bicker (bik-er)
verb

To argue over petty matters; squabble.

"The young couples marriage seemed doomed for failure as they spent most of their time bickering."

Alternate Definition
noun

One who uses a small plastic razor to shave their head completely bald.

"Balding men inevitably become bickers to try to preserve some sense of machismo, control, and dignity."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Frowzy (frou-zee)
adjective

Dirty and untidy; slovenly.

"After several days in the woods, the hikers appeared a bit frowzy."

Alternative definition
adjective

The disagreeable physical and mental effects of prolonged winter; unusually dull, sluggish, ornery.

"With snow still covering the ground near the end of March, Brad grew frowzy and irrational, cursing the weatherman and spitting at snowplows." 

Wednesday Word of the Week

Badged (baj)
verb

To furnish or mark with a badge.

"Many people eagerly showed up to the ceremony in which the new Sherriff was badged."

Alternate definition 
adjective

Having a haggard, weary, or disheveled appearance - as from prolonged drinking; looking rough as a badger.

"After a whirlwind tour of Europe, Casey looked frighteningly badged on his first day back to work."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Slake (sleyk)
verb

To allay (thirst, desire, wrath, etc) by satisfying.

"An ice cold beer on a hot summer day is the best way to slake any man's thirst."

Alternate definition 
noun

A pain or injury that increases in severity over an extended period of time; a slow ache.

"It took Tessa three days after her ten mile run to notice the slake in her knees."

DON'T LET YOUR DOG DO DUBSTEP

I learned the hard way... DON'T LET YOUR DOG DO DUBSTEP! Let this be a warning to all dog owners, choose your music wisely...

Wednesday Word of the Week

Thwart (thwawrt)
verb

To oppose successfully; prevent from accomplishing a purpose

"Simply planting an ADT sign in your front yard is enough to thwart many would-be thieves."

Alternative definition
noun

An emission of gas that causes a frozen object to warm or melt; a thawing fart.

"Bobby didn't mind his morning flatulence during cold winter commutes because his powerful thwarts made a seat warmer unnecessary." 

Wednesday Word of the Week

Canister (kan-uh-ster)
noun

A round or cylindrical container, typically one made of metal, used for storing such things as food, chemicals, or rolls of film.

"Tracy put the store-bought cookies in a fancy canister to make them appear homemade."

Alternative definition
adjective

Threatening or ominous suggestion of evil or mischief by a dog.

"When called to come inside, Biscuit paused, with a canister look on her face, before she turned and sprinted into the woods."

Squirrels: The 11th Plague

I'm going to come right out and say it - I hate squirrels. Hate em. Hate em they stink. Hands down the most despicable creatures that roam this planet. They are dumb, dirty, tree-rats that serve no purpose other than to drive me slowly insane. Now I'm not one of those people that actively tries to run them over (mostly because I don't want miniature brains and guts on my car) but I don't lose any sleep if I do. If you are someone who thinks squirrels are cute and cuddly, you are wrong. If you like squirrels, I don't like you. Plain and simple. Here are a few reasons these furry devils are a plague on humanity.

1.  Their eyes- Those black, beady, soulless demon orbs stuck to the side of their heads haunt me. I just got a chill writing that sentence. Eyes so black that they feed on light and strike fear into even the most hardened badasses. You've probably all heard of giving someone the stink-eye, but I contend that if you REALLY hate someone, you give them the squirrel-eye.

2.  Not only are they soulless, they are heartless. They raise their young to be kamikaze bombers. Little squirrel children darting into traffic and wreaking havoc, sacrificing their little furry bodies and causing a 4-car pile-up in the process. They are the terrorists of the rodent world. No doubt the greatest body-size to damage-inflicted ratio of any animal on the planet.

3.  They are little heart-attack machines. Here I am, taking my dog for a leisurely walk in the woods, enjoying the fall foliage, when all of a sudden there's an explosion of leaves and sticks to my right. I turn, expecting to be mauled by an 800 pound grizzly, and instead see nothing. Turns out it was just two squirrels chasing each other. Meanwhile, a family of deer has walked right behind me undetected. How is it possible for two tiny animals to make more noise than an entire family of deer? More noise than a drunk bull in an antique china shop?

4.  Some of them are gingers - Second class citizens even in the animal kingdom.

5.  They don't poop. Seriously, have you ever seen a squirrel pooping? Have you ever found any squirrel poop on the ground? For the amount of these things running around, I feel like we should be tits-deep in squirrel shit. I don't trust anything that doesn't poop.

6.  They have babies in my attic that die and I have to pick up because they give my mom "the creeps" and then I bury them in the woods so my dog won’t eat them. True story.

7.  They fiendishly hoard acorns and, as a result, deprive us of future oak trees and glorious shade in the summer. But really, why acorns? And why so many? Based on my calculations, squirrels spend 93% of their lives scurrying about full-throttle collecting acorns. It's as if they were addicted to the things. Isn't there a better, more tasty nut, that they could gather? All the signs point to one thing: frantic, obsessive hoarding - irregular, spastic behavior - grinding, gnawing teeth - squirrels are little bushy-tailed meth heads. The facts don't lie.

8.  They hide in trash cans. I get that animals eat trash - they are dumb and trash is delicious - but what I can't stand is that squirrels will do it in absolute silence until I walk by. Once I'm within a few feet of the trash can, or perhaps about to throw something away, they clatter around and come flying out causing me to look like a nancy-boy by A) screaming B) jumping C) defecating D) some combination of the three.

9.  They have teeth that NEVER STOP GROWING. This is true. This is science. Squirrels, like most rodents, have front teeth that continue growing their entire life if left unchecked. Their teeth can grow so long that they can no longer close their mouths or eat and they die. To avoid this fate, squirrels most constantly chew and gnaw things to file down their devil fangs. Rather than choosing things like trees, rocks, or any other hard surface found in nature, they typically choose Christmas lights, grill cords, patio furniture, your passed out drunk buddy, or any other thing you would prefer not be chewed to oblivion.

10.  Maybe I'm irrational, maybe I've seen too many cartoons, but every time one comes within 5 feet of me I can't help but get the feeling the squirrel is planning on running up my pants leg and doing laps around the inside of my clothing - pausing only to take a bite of an artery or my frank and beans.

11.  They don't have the dignity to die in private. They get exploded in the road and then just lay there baking in the sun looking like a balloon stuffed with beef jerky and pubes. Seriously squirrels, why can't you just accept your fate and go find a nice pile of leaves to die in somewhere deep in the forest so I don't have to flatten your already pancaked corpse into the asphalt.

Wednesday Word of the Week

Squander (skwon-der)
verb

Extravagant or wasteful expenditure; often of money or time.

"Overcome by the titillation of Vegas, Jimmy squandered his savings on blackjack, women, and booze."

Alternative definition
verb

The aimless, irregular course of direction by arboreal bush-tailed rodents, often into oncoming traffic.

"The cute furry squirrel popped an acorn in its mouth and squandered across the highway only to be exploded by a Dodge Stratus."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Wagonette (wag-uh-net)
noun

A light, four-wheeled carriage, with or without a top, having two facing seats on the side behind a transverse front seat.

"The Count and Countess arrived at the masquerade ball in fashion, riding in a beautifully adorned wagonette."

Alternative definition
noun

A short period of time when one chooses to abstain from alcohol; on the wagon. 

"A birthday, car crash, and new job made Casey and Tessa second guess their choice of January as a wagonette." 

Droppin' Resolutions

2014: "Mediocre is the New Excellent"

It's January which means it's the time when everyone makes resolutions to not be as terrible a person as they were the previous year. You are determined, optimistic, and sure that you control  your destiny and can turn your life around. If you just set your mind to it, you can be a sober, fit, self-employed millionaire. What inevitably happens is by about March, you have failed most of your resolutions, feel terrible, and spiral into a booze and brownie bender until next New Years. That's why this year I've decided to lower the bar and set realistic, achievable goals. Here is my list, in no particular order:

1. Buy running shoes.
2. Eat more soup.
3. Learn how to make a friendship bracelet.
4. Poop more at work.
5. Don't drink on Tuesdays (except for Mardi Gras, April Fools & Veterans Day).
6. Give more high fives.
7. Only spend an hour (each) a day on Facebook/Twitter/reddit/Instagram.
8. Chop down a tree (with a hatchet or sword).
9. Watch Sharknado.
10. Finish a chap-stick.
11. Make a sweet business card (even if I don't have a job).
12. Smash a guitar and/or amp.
13. Continue not eating McDonalds.
14. Buy something from an infomercial.
15. Start the paleo diet.
16. Quit the paleo diet (carbs are delicious).
17. Become a Belieber.
18. Grow a mustache (not in November).
19. Mention condiments in every conversation.
20. Own a goat.

Wednesday Word of the Week

Bog (bawg)
noun

Wet, spongy ground with soil composed mostly of decayed vegetable matter.

"Many peculiar ancient artifacts are found in peat bogs due to their remarkable capacity for preservation"

Alternative definition
noun

One who is full of illness or disease; a bag of germs.

"The holidays turned Emma into a miserable bog, moping about the house leaving in her wake a trail of snot and tears ."