The Art of Gronking

What is Gronking? Simply put; Gronking is the act of picking up a football, bottle, or any inanimate object, and violently hurling it to the ground. You may have heard of a fellow named Rob Gronkowski. He plays for the New England football Patriots. His touchdown celebration is the inspiration for this article (and so many other things in my life). He is the Gronkfather.  Men want to be him, women want to be on him, defensive backs just want to get the fuck out of his way. Watching him lumber across the middle of the field, snatch a Tom Brady missile with one giant paw, bulldoze three defenders on his way to the end zone is like watching an artist at the height of his craft. Gronk addresses the roaring crowd like a Roman gladiator. He presents his trophy, the football, like the head of a challenger he just lopped off. He winds up, torqueing his body like a spring, and unleashes a savage blow, using every inch of his 6’6 265 lb frame to punish the football into the turf. This exhibition, widely regarded as a celebration, is actually a charitable donation. Gronk has pledged to deliver footballs to kids in China, directly through the center of the Earth. Gronking is the noblest act of violence.

In all seriousness, Gronking is a tribute to greatness. Just because you can’t spike footballs at Foxborough on Sundays, doesn’t mean you can’t pay homage to his Gronkness at home. You’ve heard of Tebowing right? It’s kind of like that except not lame. Gronking is the Camero-driving, beer-swilling, ass-kicking older brother of Tebowing. It is the supreme expression of joy, rage, and manliness. What would Jesus do (if he scored a touchdown)? He certainly wouldn’t kneel down and celebrate silently. He would probably head-butt the goalpost, Gronk the football and scream WELCOME TO CHURCH BITCHES! (sorry Mom if you’re reading this).

             The Gronk, a move born on the gridiron, has transcended sports and permeated pop culture. People are Gronking at parties, bar mitzvahs, around the water cooler at work, even unconsciously! I sleep-Gronked last week, spiking my girlfriend’s hairbrush into the toilet. The undergraduate population in my neighborhood seems to get especially Gronk-happy on the weekends. A typical Sunday morning in Brighton will see the sidewalk littered with shattered beer bottles, decimated traffic cones, and the occasional obliterated pumpkin. Not surprisingly, Gronking and binge drinking compliment each other well. Nothing fuels the smashing spirit like chugging a Smirnoff ice or funneling Franzia.

            You don’t have to be drunk to Gronk (though admittedly its way more fun if you are). People of all ages, races, and religions can unite under the banner of Gronk. “All hail King Gronko of Spikestainia!” Next time you finish off a frosty Natural light, don’t merely throw it away; Gronk it into the recycling bin. You can save the planet and impress your friends at the same time. Making an omlet? Don’t delicately crack the eggs, Gronk them into the pan. Eggshells have protein! Gronk your rent check into the mailbox. Gronk a chocolate chip cookie into your mouth. Wherever you are reading this, grab the nearest thing that isn’t bolted down and Gronk it. I implore you all to go forth and Gronk!