Wednesday Word of the Week

Yule (yool)
noun

Christmas, the Christmas season, or Christmas festivities

"All petty differences were set aside when the entire village joined once a year in midwinter for the yule feast."

Alternate Definition 
noun

One who is used to carry small items or cargo for a short trek or outing; usually a significant other

"Casey knew to wear his jacket with lots of pockets when he and his wife went out as he would undoubtedly be the yule, carrying her cell phone, wallet, keys, and backup candy supply."

Movember Madness

Another Movember has come and gone. The time when upper lips get fuzzy, girlfriends and wives get disgusted, and pedophiles and washed up 70's porn stars can finally blend into the masses.  For one glorious month men are allowed, neigh encouraged, to grow a mustache in the name of charity. It is a brilliant way to raise money for often overlooked causes like prostate and testicular cancer while simultaneously giving men an excuse to grow some sweet face lace.  Aside from Tom Selleck, Groucho Marx, and Yosemite Sam, most men can't pull off a mustache and are often mocked by their peers and members of the opposite sex. In Movember all bets are off.

"What's with that mouth brow on your lip?"
"Oh, this? I'm growing this to raise awareness for prostate cancer. You don't support cancer research bro?"

Boom roasted. It's flawless. No one can make fun of your cookie duster no matter how scraggly, lopsided or ginger it may be. This got me thinking; why not do this every month? There are plenty of other worthy causes that fly under the radar. Here are my ideas on how to raise awareness the other eleven months of the year:


Dephelgmber 

As pleasant as it is to hear people hack up a lung trying to dislodge some deep nose-sludge, it's even better to watch that person deposit a snot-rocket on the sidewalk, street, or nearby wall. Snot is gross, I get it. You want it out of your face ASAP. But where do you think all that nasal waste goes? 78% of loogies end up on the bottom of shoes, tracked into kitchens and eventually into clam chowder. That's science. If you want to ever enjoy clam chowder again, I propose everyone carries a cup with them and, rather than spitting on the ground, collect their loogers. The amount of lung butter you collect in one week should be enough to deter you from ever dropping a public loogie again.


Bananuary

If you've ever had a crippling, fall-on-the-floor cramp, you know that potassium deficiency is a real problem. Everyone should eat a banana every day during January to raise awareness for those of us who are subjected to those excruciating muscle spasms. If you want to go above and beyond, rent a banana suit. If you're a slack-ass, banana runts will suffice.






RBFebruary

RBF aka Resting Bitch Face. Despite what internet memes would lead you to believe, this is a serious issue for thousands of "actually really friendly" girls across the country. No matter how cool and nice these people are, their just-smelled-a-fart expression deters potential new friends or boyfriends from approaching them. I propose everyone wears the meanest, ugliest scowl they can muster for the entire month of February to raise awareness for this plight (fortunately its the shortest month cause it will no doubt be terrifying).


Munch
The holidays are over, the winter chill is thawing and that means it's time to start getting in bathing suit shape. It's diet season. The nemesis of any diet is snacks. Those delicious distractions in between meals of kale salads or wheat grass smoothies that derail every diet. I propose that, rather than trying to eliminate snacks, we eat ONLY snacks during this month. No breakfast, lunch and dinner, just mini-meals throughout the day. This might not be conducive to many diets but hey, pot roast is so much more satisfying at 2:30 in the afternoon.


Olaypril 
Dry skin, dandruff, eczema, call it you want but it sucks big time. Constantly itching, feeling like your skin is crawling not to mention raining skin-snow on everyone and everything around you. Forget wearing black. Get used to budgeting for Costco-sized barrels of lotion every month (I know you know what I'm talking about Park City peeps). How about for the entire month of April everyone sleep with a bottle of Oil of Olay by your bed and lube up every day when you wake up and before you go to bed. See how annoyed (and greasy) you get and then come tell me dry skin isn't an important issue.



Spay
Shout out Bob Barker. Get your damn pets spayed and neutered.


Prune
There are few things in life more satisfying than a nice solid poo. My heart breaks for those sufferers of chronic constipation. No one should be denied the pleasure of healthy, regular poops. I propose that during the month of June everyone drink a minimum of 5 glasses of prune juice a day to raise awareness for constipation. Only when you can't stop pooping, will you realize how lucky you are.


Moo-ly

Humans are the only mammals that drink another species milk. Most of us have evolved to be able to stomach this abomination of nature but it's no surprise that many people can't handle the boob juice of other animals. To bring awareness to this bizarre human practice and why lactose intolerant people are actually normal, I propose everyone go milk a cow or goat (or cat in a pinch) to see just where that milk is coming from.



Blogust
It seems that everyone has a self-indulgent blog these days (guilty). Turns out if you are competent enough to go to blogger, squarespace or tumblr and sign up for a free blog your opinion really, REALLY matters. To bring all those self-righteous bloggers back down to earth, I think everyone should blog out loud - give long rambling editorials on anything and everything that pops into your head.


Swiftember

Everybody hates Taylor Swift. It's easy. You can almost always find common ground with a stranger by shitting on people like Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, and especially Taylor Swift. The problem is the latter has undeniable talent and when you're alone in the car and Shake It Off comes on you turn it up to 11 and belt out all the lyrics. This month everyone can "pretend" to like Taylor Swift and have an epic month long dance party.


Babytalktober
You've all heard it, you've probably all done it. Baby talk. That sickeningly sappy tone of voice we take when talking to small infants, pets, or super drunk friend. I'm not sure what compels us to blurt out inarticulate, repetitive phrases in sorority-girl-high-pitched voices. Nobody actually wants their kid to grow up talking like that, so why waste your time doing it at all? Everyone needs to spend the month of October talking ONLY in baby-talk. If you manage to not  murder everyone around you, you will undoubtedly not be using baby-talk in the near future.