Wednesday Word of the Week

Eggnog (eg-nog)
noun

A drink made of eggs, milk or cream, sugar and usually rum or wine.

"After decorating the tree, the Myers family enjoyed their traditional glass of eggnog by the fire."

Alternative definition
noun

A person with a particularly large, oblong, head; often bald or balding.

"Gary, like most eggnogs, loved the winter because he could conceal his shiny dome with big comfy hats"

Wednesday Word of the Week

Figment (fig-muh-nt)
noun

A mere product of mental invention; a fantastic notion.

"The sleep deprived college student hoped the purple elephants were a figment of her imagination."

Alternative definition
noun

A violent demonstration of rage or frustration when one has not received their figgy pudding.

"After singing three rounds of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" Oliver launched into a figment and refused to leave."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Bedizen (bih-dah-zuhn)
verb

To dress or adorn in a showy, gaudy, or tasteless manner.

The young lady's attempt at fashion failed as she merely bedizened an old dress with beads and sequins.

Alternative definition (bed-uh-zuhn)
noun

A native or constant inhabitant of a piece of furniture used for slumber; one who lives in bed.

"Tessa declared her intention to become an official bedizen the Monday morning after Thanksgiving break."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Bamboozle (bam-boo-zuhl)
verb

To deceive or get the better of (someone) by trickery, flattery, or the like; hoodwink; dupe.

"The realtor used his silver tongue to bamboozle the unsuspecting couple into buying a timeshare."

Alternative definition
adjective

The state of becoming suddenly and unexpectedly intoxicated.

"Unaware that Saskia had made the martinis, Emma was bamboozled before Thanksgiving dinner began."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Cleft (kleft)
noun

A space or opening made by cleavage; a split.

"Riding up the canyon we spotted a small owl roosting in a rocky cleft."

Alternative definition
noun

The act of stealing or wrongfully taking the wardrobe or clothing of another person. 

"The Myers sisters' reunions are often marked by rampant cleft."

5 Things You Didn't Know Were Bro

Once upon a time men were men. They had facial hair, drank heavily and hunted large game. Those glorious days of patriarchy gave way to a more "civilized" society in which women had equal rights and demanded to be treated "fairly." Stunned and confused, men retreated to their only sanctuary - the frat house. Safe inside the walls of the fraternity, men could safely drink, smoke and sack-tap each other free of judgement and thus the bro was born. Starting as a fringe demographic on college campuses, bros recruited like-minded individuals and soon began to grow in numbers. Eventually, armed with testosterone fueled confidence, pastel wardrobes, and staggering BACs, they left the frat house and reentered society. Today bros have expanded outside of their typical stereotypes and co-opted many things once considered un-manly or even feminine. Here are 5 things you didn't know were bro.

Brogurt  

Once a snack food relegated to girls on a diet, now even the most manly of bros will indulge in some peaches and cream Yoplait from time to time. It's lo-fat so you can keep those beach muscles looking pumped and Jamie Lee Curtis says it helps you have regular poops! Hey, you gotta replace the good bacteria in your gut somehow after decimating it with Busch Light and Slim-Jims all weekend.

Broga
You can come up with any excuse you want - I need to get my flexibility game on before football season, I needed one more extra curricular credit, whatever. We all know you are there to stare at assess in yoga pants and trick girls into thinking you are spiritual. "Yo dude that chick totally wants it downward doggy-style."

Bro-ped
You've heard the saying mo-peds are like fat chicks - fun to ride as long as your friends don't see you. Not anymore. The preferred vehicle of 8 out of 10 college aged males, bros are rolling deep in bro-ped gangs in broad daylight - sometimes even multiple bros on one scooter. It seems they have adopted the popular hipster philosophy that something can be so lame that it becomes cool. Ride on bros.

Brotography
Back in the 90's only girls, tourists, and your mom carried around cameras. With the emergence of the smart phone, everybody has a camera in their pocket but that didn't change the fact that posing for pictures was still something only girls did. Bros don't think so. Selfies at the gym, group shots taking shots, and the ever popular shaming pic "dude take a picture of me putting my nuts on this passed out bro."

CosBropolitan
Beer and Whiskey. That's it. If you are a man and you feel the need to drink - which you probably do - those are your options if you don't want to be a puss. If you must drink vodka, make it a shot, or a dirty martini (if you can pull off that James Bond or worlds-most-interesting-man vibe) but for gods sake DON'T order a vodka cran aka cosbropolitan. On a related note, red wine is classy, rose is trashy. Franzia isn't cool no matter how hard you slap the bag. Just put down the brose and shotgun a beer like a gentleman.

Wednesday Word of the Week

Largess (lahr-jes)
noun

Generous bestowal of gifts.

"Corporate largess has a significant impact on the direction of modern politics."

Alternate definition
verb

To deviate or wander away from healthy body weight; grow obese.

"Glenn's love of wings and beer caused him to largess from his collegiate football form."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Aplomb (uh-plom)
noun

Imperturbable self-possession, poise or assurance. 

"The professor defended his thesis with undeterred aplomb." 

Alternative definition
noun

A fruit projectile, typically round - red, yellow, or green in color - exploded by means of impact; often dropped from a tree.

"An apple orchard is a dangerous place to be in late fall as a sudden gust of wind could produce a flurry of aplombs."   

Wednesday Word of the Week

Incandescence (in-kuh-n-des-uh-ns)
noun

The emission of visible light by a body, caused by its high temperature. 

"George was blinded by the incandescence of the high noon sun."

Alternative definition
noun

An intoxicating smell of candy.

"Halloween night is filled with the unbridled laughter of children drunk off incandescence."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Gubernaculum (goo-ber-nak-yuh-luhm)

noun

A part or organ that directs the movement or course of another part

“The gubernaculum plays a pivotal part in the lowering of the testicles in male development.”

Alternative definition

noun

A type of speech characterized by goofy jokes and feeble-minded small talk.

“Jamie was often ridiculed by the other servers for his use of gubernaculum with his tables.”  

P.O.R.N.

Personal Oasis of Retina Nectar

What has ten legs, seven pounds of silicon, one great mustache, and daddy issues? Any good porn movie of course! Porn has been around since the dawn of man – have you seen some of the racks on cave paintings? The modern era of porn can be traced back to the 70’s with swinging mustache rides and free-lovin’ bush bashes. These days, things have gotten bigger, balder, and more bizarre. You've got Brazilian fart porn, Japanese tentacle porn, Amish midget amputee porn, and that's barely even scratching the surface. Despite its taboo connotation, I'd like to contend that porn doesn't have to be three dudes and a chick in a sweaty flesh pile. Porn is the celebration of lust. And, while almost everyone lusts after sex, people lust after all sorts of things. Here are a few examples of porn that I personally enjoy.

Food Porn:

Whether its Chopped, Iron Chef, or just watching Giada deglaze a pan, I almost always end up with Crème Frisch in my pants. There is something about food that is so carnal. Simply seeing it prepared on a screen awakens your sense of smell and taste. You begin to visualize yourself preparing and, more importantly, eating it. The food network is the Mecca of food porn offering programs that cater to all sorts of food fetishes. You have Rachel Ray - a girl-next-door classy host who gets you excited to make your own pesto without feeling too guilty.  How about Mario Battalie or Barefoot Contessa? Chances are if you’re into food porn you might also be interested in plus-size partners. These two will help you embrace your natural beauty by showing you how to make and then eat lasagna off your lover’s belly. And - if you are a shameless, filthy pervert - there is Paula Deane with her culinary gang-bang of butter, fried chicken, and diabetes-inducing devils food cake. 

Nature Porn:

As an owner of the entire box set of Planet Earth and Blue Planet, it’s safe to say I am an avid consumer of nature porn. Why risk malaria and tiger-mauling when you can experience the jungles of Nepal from the comfort of your couch? There is a primal excitement that comes from watching people braver than me risking their lives to film elephants in rut, hammerhead feeding frenzies, and ghost orchids blooming – well perhaps I'm brave enough for the latter but definitely too lazy. Nature porn takes you on an ocular safari to the most remote and beautiful places on the planet. And, as if watching a lion attack an alligator attacking a wildebeest wasn't enough, you get the play-by-play delivered by the soothingly sophisticated voice of David Attenborough (or Sigourney Weaver if you're a savage).   

Ski Porn:

Powdery lines, face-shots, deep crevices – wait, you say, I thought you were talking about OTHER kinds of porn. Let me introduce my favorite lusty pursuit; ski porn. Living in Park City Utah for four years left me with a crippling addiction to that rush that can only come from steep lines and deep turns. The only way to satiate my desire during the off-season is with ski porn. Teton Gravity Research, Matchstick, and PowderWhore are like my Vivid, Playboy, and Hustler. Not only does ski porn highlight some of the best riders in the world doing impossibly difficult stunts in stunningly beautiful places. It does it all to a dope soundtrack. Ever watched a guy back flip an 80 foot cliff in Alaska? Ever watched a guy back flip an 80 foot cliff in Alaska while listening to Depeche Mode? Although, I think you could play any music to slow motion deep powder turns and it would look cool. Seriously, I'm 99% sure I've seen a ski porn with Phil Collins "In the Air Tonight." The true allure of ski porn is simple. Just like those "other" porn movies, it's mostly stuff that I A) want so badly to do B) want to do but am terrified of and C) have never seen or even thought of doing before.

Everybody watches porn, even if they don't know it. Porn is anything that is consumed for pure pleasure. Have you ever eaten an entire sleeve of Oreos? That's porn! Did you watch the whole season of Arrested Development in one sitting? That's porn! How about booze? Do you like it? Do you sometimes like it so much you forget how to stand up? That, my friends, is porn.  So don't let anyone tell you porn is a dirty word. It is a celebration of overindulgence. It is  your own personal oasis of retina nectar. What kind of PORN do you enjoy?

Wednesday Word of the Week

Carbuncle (kahr-buhng-kuhl)
noun

A painful localized bacterial infection of the skin and subcutaneous tissue that usually has several openings through which pus is discharged.

"When her kids were the most unruly, Sharon would threaten to make them rub ointment on her carbuncle."

Alternative definition
noun

An older male relative who eats an excessive amount of bread and pasta.

"Amy knew her diet would be sabotaged with lasagne and garlic bread when she learned they were eating dinner at carbuncle Derek's house."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Gnash (nash)
verb

To grind or strike (the teeth) together, especially in rage or pain.

"The African Crested Porcupine will bear its quills and gnash its teeth when threatened or startled."

Alternative definition
noun

A collision of two or more small flying insects.

"The allure of a porch light causes many a reckless gnash during summer nights."

Lockn' Loaded

A few weeks removed from the 1^st annual Lockn’ music festival, I’ve had some time to reflect on what was certainly a whirlwind four days. Having been to Bonnaroo, a handful of single-day festivals, and countless other concerts, I had a decent idea of what to expect from a festival featuring headliners such as Further, String Cheese and Widespread Panic - tents as far as the eye can see, the pungent odor of grass, sweat and 105 degree port-a-potty’s, and oodles of heady tunes. I was not disappointed. Here is a rundown of how the weekend went.

Day One:

Leading up to the festival there was much speculation about how the beautiful yet remote Oak Ridge Farm would be accessed by the thousands of concertgoers. State police and festival organizers assured fans that measures would be taken to alleviate traffic and make entry into the festival as smooth as possible. Our group, a mixture of savvy festival veterans and first timers, was decidedly skeptical. After fueling up with ice, beer, and Bodos we started heading down route 29 South around 7:45 am – plenty of time to beat the traffic and be in prime position for a great campsite when the gates open at 9:00 am. We experienced minimal traffic and even managed to keep our 6-car caravan together the entire way – so far so good. Then carmageddon hit.

We were directed into a large field that we assumed was being used as a holding area until the gates opened and cars could be funneled in. What we did not anticipate was staying in that field for the next 6 hours. Spirits were high even though it was slightly after 9 and there was no sign of movement – it was the first year of the festival, a few hiccups were to be expected, why not crack a beer and enjoy the beautiful weather while we wait? By 9:45 rumors had begun to spread that excessive vehicle searches were causing the delay – slightly annoyed, people hid their drugs more carefully and continued drinking. With no movement by 10:30, cars had started to send scouts to the front to see what was going on – the reports were bleak. All of the parking volunteers had walked off the job. Police were funneling the remaining cars off 29 to clear the highway. Us “smart” folks who got there early were stuck in the field of forgotten dreams.

What ensued in the following hours bordered on a Lord-of-the-flies-esque descent into chaos. People resorted to honking their horns, standing on cars, and blasting Rage Against the Machine in frustration. I saw a man (who I’m still not convinced wasn’t Hank Williams Jr) take it upon himself to direct traffic. Dressed in white overall jorts he was a force yelling directions at cars. Eventually people took offense to his aggressive power move and multiple bros tried to fight him (to be fair Hank Jr. called one of the bro’s wife a whore). Cooler heads prevailed though and the fight dispersed. Eventually a group of good Samaritans stepped in for the vacated parking staff and cobbled together a method to the madness and got everybody inside the venue. Once our campsite was erected, beers cracked, and music flowing, the gridLockn’ traffic fiasco of 2013 seemed a distant memory.

Hygiene: 9/10

I could still smell my deodorant from the morning and my hair wasn’t completely fro’d but 7 hours of sitting in the sun had definitely taken its toll.

Supplies: 10/10

Our beer supplies took a hit during the mayhem as it seemed to be the only logical thing to do to maintain sanity but we were well prepared. I was not worried.

Gruntled: 6/10

Let me first explain my category: Gruntled, the opposite of disgruntled, is a state when one is completely contented, satisfied, and happy. The gruntled meter should have been at a 10 for day one of a music festival. The traffic had tempers boiling but solid sets by String Cheese and a guest appearance by Grace Potter with Gov’t Mule helped set things right.

Day Two:

As if waking up to a gorgeous day in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains - with the only thing on the agenda listening to live music - wasn’t enough, we knew we didn’t have to wait in traffic. Life was good. With music not scheduled to start til 1pm we enjoyed a leisurely morning. Our campsite provided the perfect atmosphere to enjoy a (camping) gourmet breakfast under our tapestry-shaded shelter and build anticipation for a cheesy day of music. Weirdly our conversation kept coming back to condiments. It’s like the 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon. Everything can be related to condiments. This would be a theme that resonated throughout the weekend.

Musically, I got funked up early with the tag-team of Soul Rebels and Dirty Dozen Brass Band bringing N’awlins to Virginia. Hard. String Cheese continued their inspired performances culminating in a collaboration with the Zac Brown Incident. I still don’t understand why he always wears a beanie but he brought some solid vocals to an already stellar band. The Dead heads waltzed out for the late night set and Phil Lesh and Bob Weir did not disappoint with a great set filled with Dead classics, covers, and original music. As we settled into our tents for the night I was serenaded to sleep by a drunk bro searching for his friend. He was belting out a crow-like “caw-caw” as a sonar to his brethren. He was pleased with his effort (It seemed like he thought he was the first human to ever make this noise) although I doubt he ever found his friend.    

Hygiene: 8/10

Sleeping in a tent never gives you a “fresh” feeling when waking up. However, low humidity coupled with only one day of festivaling left me feeling pretty good.

Supplies: 11/10

I had no idea how stocked our crew was. I though I was smart bringing a dozen Bodo’s bagels. We had fresh fruit and vegetables, homemade banana bread, sausage, hotdogs, grilled chicken, snacks galore and enough alcohol to kill a herd of elephants. We also found the mecca of food vendors – Super Heady Tacos – that would supplement our food intake for the rest of the weekend.

Gruntled: 10/10

I started the day with a proper breakfast, listened to great tunes - all day with a heavy dose of Cheese – and finished the day laughing and cheersing with a great group of friends.

Day Three:

The day started much like the previous, beautiful scenery, weather, and breakfast spread. An impromptu Bloody Mary stand popped up right next to our campsite, which was popular among the ladies of the group. You can’t argue with a $5 Bloody Mary in the middle of a field. They also offered “Face Wranglers” which still has me intrigued and perplexed. If anyone knows what these are please enlighten me. We fueled up and made the long trek to the stage in preparation for another long day. Getting front row for Love Cannon and their unique ménage of blue grass and 80’s hits was definitely a highlight of the festival. After baking in the sun for a few hours we decided we should head back to the campsite and regroup for a long night of Widespread Panic.

Once we got back to our temporary home 

we settled in for an afternoon of recharging for the nights festivities. Unfortunately our idea of regrouping was playing drinking games - and our drinking games consisted of passing a milk jug of Fireball whiskey. That sweet cinnamon burn was the end of me. The night ended with a sloppy retreat to our campsite. Some took the golf cart taxis, some were returned by paramedics, and some returned blind, thinking they were wearing glasses that were not on their face. It was messy. We hit the hay early in the hope for redemption on our final day of the festival.

Hygiene: 5/10

I was the only one out of our crew to forego a shower. I have no shame in this decision. I had a nice film of sweat, suntan lotion, and stank on me but I was in no worse shape than most of my festival-going brethren.

Supplies: 8/10

Again, we were more than well prepared. We were starting to realize we had more food and booze than we knew what to do with. There is a sinking feeling that we might be responsible and/or mature.

Gruntled: 7/10

Despite a growing desire for a shower and a real toilet, things are going well. The weather is great, music is better, and we have established a tight family.

Day Four:

The day started abruptly when I, as well as many of my fellow campers, were awakened by a group of gentlemen carrying on a loud conversation nearby. It was pretty obvious that the men hadn’t been able to sleep and had been drinking hard and heavy all day and night. Being around 6 in the morning members of the rowdy bunch eventually began to drop off and retire to their respective tents until there was only one. His name was Vision. What occurred next went a bit like this:

Drunk Bro 1: Alright man, I’m waving the white flag, I gotta get some sleep.

Vision: Fine, I’m gonna go find somebody else to rage with.

Vision walks a short distance to another cluster of tents where he must have seen some signs of movement.

Vision: Y’all trying to rage?

Sleepy camper 1: No.

Sleepy camper 2: Why don’t you rage your ass on down the road?

Vision: Come on now, this is a festival, wake your asses up and rage with me!

Slightly annoyed camper 1: Dude, go away.

Vision: Do you know who I am? My name is Vision and I make half the LSD at this festival. Ask anybody.

Girl camper: It’s 6am, nobody cares who you are or wants any LSD.

Vision: Are you trying to start shit with me? Bring it on. Do you know who I am?

Now awake and clearly angry camper: Get the fuck out of here now!

Vision: Fuck you man, do you know who I am? I’m Vision, and I make half the acid at this festival. I make half the acid in Virginia. Ask anyone here, they’ll tell you.

Angry camper: Leave now before I beat your ass.

Vision: You’re not going to do anything. Do you know who I am? Come over here and do something

This is immediately followed by a scuffle in which the angry – and clearly more sober – camper seems to engage Vision in a fight. Punches are thrown, and the two men fall to the ground. After a short tussle, the other man, Jacob, emerges triumphant.

Jacob: Now get the fuck out of here before I beat your ass again.

Girl camper: Jacob stop!

Vision: Fuck you dude, you think you’re a big man cause you punched me? Do you know who I am?

Girl camper: Yes, you are Vision. You make half the LSD at this festival. Now please leave.

This response elicits laughter from some surrounding tents in which campers are now awake and listening to the confrontation. Vision continues to bark insults, threats, and mostly boasts about who he is, who he knows, among other incoherent ramblings. Before he finally moves on he issues one last declaration…

Vision: You better not try to buy LSD around here ever again. I’M GONNA PUT A TAX ON THAT SHIT! I’ll remember your face…

And so Vision stumbled off into the sunrise, determined to find a rage partner. Only the hippie gods know whether he achieved his mission. I find it more likely he passed out in a ditch somewhere or got punched again.

Could this be Vision video-bombing the ABC newscast?

It was an entertaining, albeit early, way to wake up. We took it as a sign that the festival had run its course and we should get out while we could. We mustered our energy for one last push.

The Hackensaw Boys started Sunday off with a bang and set the bar for local acts (in my opinion). Once Tedeschi and Trucks hit the stage, my lust for slide guitar, silky smooth backup vocalists and a killer horn section were satiated (seriously, what more can you ask for in a band?). Perhaps my favorite set of the entire festival, punctuated by an encore featuring guest vocals by Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes and Bob Weir, seemed like a good time to get out on top. The tents came down, the cars filled up, and we left Oak Ridge Farm in the dust (literally). The short drive back to Charlottesville was filled with sunburn, smiles and the deepest desire for a shower you can imagine. 

Wednesday Word of the Week

Aerogram (air-uh-gram)
noun

An airmail letter in the form of a lightweight sheet of stationery that folds into its own envelope for mailing at a low postage rate.

"The mail room opted to use an aerogram to ensure the message reached the investors as quickly as possible."

Alternative definition
noun

A picture taken from a high vantage point, typically for use in social media.

"David snapped an epic aerogram of the football game from his perch at the top of the stadium."

Wednesday Word of the Week

Portative (pawr-tuh-tiv)
adjective

Capable of being carried; portable.

"The portative organ was a popular Renaissance instrument among traveling musicians."

Alternative definition
adjective

The hesitation associated with using a port-a-potty.

"After the third day of Lockn' Tessa became highly portative and pushed her bowels to the limits."

14 Dos & Don'ts of Road Tripping

The road trip – a timeless ideal romanticized by great American novels like “On the Road” and “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” and immortalized by great films such as Easy Rider, Road Trip, and Eurotrip. We took a 6-week Keuroac-ian journey of our own this summer, leaving from the OBX in North Carolina and traveling, by train, plane, boat, but mostly automobile, to Seattle and back again. I saw many of the great sites and cities this country of ours has to offer - and even picked up a fiancé along the way. Now that I am a savvy road warrior, I have some wisdom that I’d like to impart.  

1. Don’t plan ahead – I mean, sure you need to do some planning like, “are we going east or west today?” Outside of that, the best things that happened on our trip were the ones that were unexpected and spur of the moment decisions. We extended our “planned” stay in almost every location by at least a day and the last day usually was the best. Whitewater rafting in Glacier, Mountain biking in Park City, a sunset beach bonfire in Seattle, and wine touring capped with a ride down the 101 into Big Sur for dinner in California were all last minute/ last day activities. If you want to have a memorable road trip make a schedule, then throw it out.

2. Do listen to podcasts – Once you listen to your “epic road trip mix 2013” six times and realize you are not even halfway across Nebraska, a deep sense of dread starts to set in. Not to mention, unless you want to listen to shitty country, Jesus talk or some weird combination of the two, don’t listen to the radio in Montana, South Dakota or anywhere in between Chicago and Denver. The smart tripper is prepared for this with an arsenal of podcasts. We decided to use our captive car time to learn something – Spanish! Unfortunately the program we chose, Coffee Break Española, was taught by a heavily accented Scottish couple and I can’t remember anything except for Buenos Nachos. It wasn’t a complete loss though. After listening to Coffee Break Española and Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History back to back, I can now give an accurate chronicle of Genghis Khan’s life in a perfect Scottish Brogue. 

3. Do bring your own sheets – The Bend West Motel, enough said.

4. Don’t over-pack – I know it’s tempting to pack for every possible occasion but you’ll be surprised at how little you need. Make sure you have a few comfortable t-shirts for driving, a good pair of shoes to walk in, sunglasses and a bathing suit. Despite popular misconceptions, there are washing machines in all 50 states. Anything else you might need, you can buy. Seattle has awesome vintage clothing stores. We went to a last minute wedding and I put together an entire outfit (shoes, pants, shirt, bow-tie) for $47.

5. Do drink and eat local – Bacon-wrapped corn in Wisconsin. Rainer in Seattle. Fresh huckleberries in Montana. Cutthroat Trout in Utah. Italian beef in Chicago. Wine (lots of wine) in California. Deschutes IPA’s in Oregon. Smuckers Uncrustables (the holy grail of snack food) in every state, every day.  There is no better way to learn about a culture than through its stomach (or liver as the case may be).

 6. Don’t overestimate your gas mileage – I know you’ve all seen that episode of Seinfeld and understand the unbridled exhilaration of pushing the needle past E and riding on fumes. But I also bet none of you have been stranded in South Dakota at night, hundreds of miles from the nearest gas station, wondering which one of you will die first and whether or not you can bring yourself to eat them to survive. Don’t become a cannibal - get gas early and often.

7. Do bring to-go coffee mugs – Caffeine is the true fuel of any good road trip. Bring a big cup that you can fill for free at continental breakfasts or gas stations and, if you’re in a pinch, pee in.

8. Don’t underestimate the clairvoyance of bums – When we decided to embark on this road trip I planned to propose to my girlfriend in Park City. This meant that I had to carry the engagement ring with me from Virginia to Utah. The ring stayed buried deep in one of the many unnecessary pockets of my backpack that I carried with me everywhere. While walking down crowded Michigan Avenue in Chicago, a homeless gentlemen accosted me yelling “marry her! Marry her right NOW! NOW!” Naturally both my girlfriend and I were taken aback, but I was even more so because I actually had an engagement ring on me at that very moment. I still wonder what would have happened if I had dropped to a knee in the middle of the sidewalk and proposed – I suspect his mind would have literally exploded in front of our eyes. I don’t know if that vagabond had supernatural powers or if it was the coincidence of a lifetime but I will forever pay closer attention to the words of bums.

9. Do Walk – When you spend 10+ hours in a car every day it’s not hard to be convinced to get up and use those numb stumps attached to your waist. Walking is the best way to experience a new city; take in the views, listen to the accents, smell the bums. What’s that saying, you gotta walk a mile in another man’s shoes something, something… yeah that guy knew what he was talking about.

10. Don’t Sleep in – Night driving sucks, especially when you are arriving in an unfamiliar place. Do yourself a favor, don’t get hammered on your last night and wake up early the next morning and hit the road.

11. Do use Whiskey as currency – The barter system is not dead! We rented mountain bikes with whiskey, bought food with beer, and basically paid for our stay in alcohol. Don’t be fooled, gold may be the “official” currency of America but booze will get you a lot further with the right people.  

12. Don’t be afraid to get lost – That’s what GPS is for right? Every phone has one, so screw it, take that left, stop at that sketchy – yet irresistibly tantalizing – roadside cherry stand. Get lost. You’ll get to where you are going eventually.

13. Do use your connections – I cannot emphasize this one enough. Go through all the contacts in your phone, dig up old Facebook friends and find all the people who live in cool places you want to visit. Chances are they will be happy to host you and, at the very least, can give you great recommendations on where to go, what to eat, and when to do it. You can rekindle an old friendship and save serious cash at the same time. On our entire 6-week trip we stayed in hotel rooms three nights. Thank you Steve & Christy, Quinn, Joey, Miranda, Monica, Petey, Rex and Clayton. You guys made the trip extra special (and extra cheap).

14. Don’t be afraid to get in a boat with a wolf – Now I know this is wildly specific, and most of you won’t have to make this decision on your road trip, but this ties back into my mantra of don’t plan ahead. We ended up staying an extra day in Glacier National Park and one phone call, two coffees and a truck ride later, I’m floating down the Flathead River with my fiancé, an ex-con, and a wolf - and it was hands down the highlight of the trip. Take chances, say yes to everything, laugh, and live in the moment. The road is a place for adventure, memory making, and self-discovery. Round up a buddy or a few, pool together some gas money, buy some beef jerky and beer and go west young man. You won’t regret it.